I'm probably not going to go into great detail but who know's once I start rambling it's sometimes hard to stop. So let me try think now where to beginning.... July really didn't alter much from my last Journal entries. Was mainly reading in the Sun when it was out... until I got my new PC that is. Then for some reason I spent a lot of time messing about with that. One to play all my old games on its powerful glory... and two well it was my first ever attempt at setting up a network, as my Sister now has my old PC and wished to share my net connection. Boy that was no fun networking. It's not hard persay, just doesn't help when it's your first time doing it and the hardware you get isn't that straight forward. Being me I thought oww let's go wireless. I hate cables at the best of times plus it all seemed to be easy and straight forward. so I got two internal (PCI), wireless networking adaptors. Now all was fine in my New PC. The card installed and was functioning as supposed to. The problem however arouse in my beloved old PC. It just didn't like the PCi adaptor at all. Any time I'd try get it to send me a file or whatever from it, The PC would freeze up (old one). Getting niffed I came to the conclusion that the PCI slots in my old PC couldn't hack the new technology so I decided to drop that adaptor and buy that computer a USB wireless plugin instead. This worked wonders :) for her PC at least... as now my internal card was having trouble connect with it steadily *sigh* so after messing with that for about 2 weeks I just said fuck it and bought another USB plugin in for my computer which was so much easier. Hooking up the two of them is a breeze compared to the PCI cards. Simple as hell and works great. I just wished I'd of gone both USB from step one. Would of saved me plenty time and money but alas I'll know in future. (FYI anyone thinking of going wireless... seriously try the USB adaptors.. simple and thus far have give me zero problems at all).
So now there's two Felix's with net access tearing up cyberspace :) Though not sure if that's such a good thing. Gotta be more careful now with what I do. Who know's little sis could be monitoring me O_o. She also got herself an LJ, and wanted a me to add her to my buddy list which inturn means she has acssess to m Journal... now I'm unsure about this as my Journal's pretty much been my private domain away from anyone in my family. It's just my thoughts and my feelings, two things I don't open up with well... or at all to be honest in real life. So I have three options. Start making private journal entries.... which would defeat the whole perpose of me keeping this thing in the first place, two censor my entries.... which is also something I;d rather not do... or just write as I have been doin and continue as usual not caring if she reads what I write or not. I've decided to do the latter. To be honest we get on well enough. If I'm going to share my thoughts whith virtually strangers may as well share them with her too. Besides, I'm sure she knows me well enough to know that what evers on here is on here for a reason. Chances I'm going to want to talk about anything I type will always be slim. I don't do talking about feelings... well mine anyway... well at all. We'll see what happens I guess :)
What else... hmmm.... Well even though I've been pretty active on my computer lately. I've shunned Internet communication altogether. No MSN, AIM, Yahoo or any of the other gazillion messenger services out there. Reason? well to be honest I just haven't felt like talking to people. It's a damn shame as theres people out there I'd love to speak with, I just know I have nothing to say thats of any interest what so ever. And I absolutely hate that feeling. Trying to force conversation, for the sake of it. To be honest I know I've been in a very Isolative mood. I've wanted to be alone. I haven't wanted to conversate.. even when I've felt lonely. It's strange. A hard feeling to explain. Then again I've been getting a lot of strange hard to explain feelings lately.
I guess the easiest of them to explain actually though is the lonely one. aye aye aye. That one's a bitch. I been feeling it quite bitterly lately... yet still I've not wanted to be around or talk to people.. how's that work? You feel desperately lonely? yet the thought of talking to or being around people depresses you further? doesn't make sense to me... yet that's how I've felt. I know I don't have to be alone or feel lonely. I know I could phone people, talk to them. I know if I didn't feel like doing that, I could sign on to anyone of those upteen messengers and find someone to talk to. Hell failing that I have loads of messageboards I visit that I could go to and spark up conversation.... or if the fancy took my I'm sure I could log into any chatroom and find me someone to flirt with, chat and/or charm... it's easy enough to do... hell I used to do it flying and enjoy it... but damn for some reason the thought of doing any of those things just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and I don't know why. I'd prefer to be alone than deal with people for some reason.. despite how bad this feeling of lonliness gets. Yeeesssh! What's a guy to do when his worst enemy is himself?
Saying that though. I had a week of activity a week or two back. I went to the cinema's with my Sister and her boyfriend twice in three day's... woohooo! Lol, it's the first time in a few week's I'd been out though. I don't know what happened to me, but the thought of coming back home to this house and crawling back into my shell of solitude just was something I couldn't bare on the last trip out. So after the cinema's I decided to just go for it... and I went out to a club on my own. Now for me this is very unsual behaviour. I don't go out solo period. The thought of being that single lonely guy in a club is just something I'd never want to experience. But the thought of going home that day seemed just as dire so I just went for it. Got some money and decided to see where the night takes me. I've never done anything like that before... on my own anyway. To be honest I wasn't sure if I could do it... and I think that was half the excitement. I had been keeping myself prisoner in my house telling myself that I had no one to go out with so I couldn't go out. I wanted to test that theory and see if I really did need anyone to go out with. The answer I found is not suprisingly... no i don't. I don't need anyone to go out with. I'm more than capable of sorting myself out more or less. The fear of being the boring single guy in the club isn't really a reality with me either. While it's true I haven't been out a lot lately anytime I do go out I see about 15 people I know regardless who are always happy to see me, so I'm never alone for long... and failing that I'm good at meeting people, always have been. I actually had quite a good night. I went out alone, and alas (unfortunatly) went home alone also.... but inbetween I meet people, laughed, drank and was Jolly. So my illusion of being a prisoner in my own mundane life was shattered. It was fiction, and I knew it was. I'm not a prisoner of circumstance.. I'm my own jailer. I don't not go out cause I can't. I don't go out as I choose not too!
So here we are.. back at square one, even after my flurry into the land of the living. I can go out, I can meet people... I can brake away from being Lonely... yet I won't.... I'll choose to stay lonely.. even though slowly but surely it's killing me... or at least the person I was. I don't mean to sound dramatic.. but its true. I feel it inside. I'm dying a death... and not of the physical kind... I mean my soul. It's dead... or dying. all that I like about myself is fading, all that I've felt is good that is within me is fleeting and fading into nothing. I'm becoming a ghost of myself.. a wraith.. and I'm allowing it to happen. why?!?!?
... I guess causes there's a Solomn kind of comfort in Sorrow and lonliness. It becomes a familuar friend.. one I guess I'm not ready to part company with just yet... despite the self destructive side effects it brings.
This all sounds very dire... and in a way I guess it is... but apart from all this... I feel fine or at least I think I do. the truth is I feel very little... I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad... I feel nothing.. except lonly on occasion.... and you know what... right now I'm cool with it. it suck's.. but it's okay, for now.