Now thats out of the way I just want to cover my ass for anything foolish I may write from this point on in my Journal. I'm drunk... okay drunk's probably an understatement,I'm absolutely bladded. I've been playing cards for shot's all evening with my brother and sister.... but still. It actually feels good. White Rum and sambucca shot's oi oi oi. I'm not lying I've probably polished off most a bottle of white rum by myself... doing so... but still it's all good, no point spending christmas in my usual isolative self, I do that all year. time to break the mold, if only for a day or two, feel the christmas spirit, even if a lot of it is in liquid form :-p.
So before I sober up... here comes the things I've probably wanted to say all year, but my sober, solem, prideful usual self wouldn't let me say.
First off a big I love you too all my Family. This is something I just don't say all year round. I've never been one to tell my family how much they mean to me. so let me say it now. I don't say it often enough but doesn't mean I don't feel it. I love you all! Mum and Dad I don't understand you, or your troubles, but i love you both still, and Robert and Lorna, well nothing really needs to be said, I love you both more than you could know. Robert, well your my bro, and no matter what I know regardless despite whatever we say about each other, if push came to shove, you would be there for me flying if shit got deep, just like i would be for you. Your my bro man! And Lorna, well i know you feel left out sometimes. Like me an Robert, just cause were Bro's, like each other more or some shit.... well little girl (okay lady now), I can't deny me and rob been through some shit, and that nigga wether he know's it or not has my heart.... doesn't mean I have less love for you. Your my little baby girl, and although, I cant deny... like a lot of things, I maybe not have done right by you, older brotherly wise... I just need you too know.. I love you, undeniably. Though me and Robert may seem to Gel better ( a boy thing), you still have my heart. I love you girl, more than you could possibly know.
Okay Mum, you may never ever read this... hell you don't even know it exisist's but still... you gave me life, and even regardless of that fact... even though I don't understand you, or where your head or choices are right now.... I love you most of all, even though I sometimes try deny it.I don't get your choices. I don't agree with them either.... but still you my Mum, I can't help but love you... and if I was dying right this minute if there was only one person I could speak too it would be you, just so I could feel safe in your arms and you could hold me and tell me it would be okay... you would be the last person on this earth I would want to spend my last moments with.
Dad, what can i say. I've told you before how much I respect you. You may not be my biological Dad, but youv'e put up with a whole heap of unnecessary shit in your life time just to be there for me. Youv'e done things many a lesser man wouldn't dream of doing, and because of that I love you. I don't say it. Hell sometimes i don't even show it. But out of everyone I know... even though sometimes, you irritate me, I would never or at least hopefully never try not to show it. I love you too, although like with eveyone else I would never say it or show it.... but like everyone else it is definatly there.
Okay now on too people not family related but still there's much I wish to get off my chest and wish to say it before I stop myself, with my useless pride....
First and foremost Ami... You may be suprised to see your name here... but still I feel I need to say this. Wether it means anything too you right now I am so sorry. I said and did some terrible things to you once upon a time. You were a really good friend to me, and I'm really sorry how I treated you. All i can say in my defence is, I was at a real shitty place at that time... family situation and all,the rest wasn't great but still... i leant on you too hard, when I shouldn't have. I wanted more from you than I should of even reasonably tried too ask. And for that I'm sorry. My only concealation is that now I can see that your happy. In a place where you should of always been. And for that I'm glad. You deserve it. Luv you girl, and even if you never feel you can take it or not, my ear and shoulder is always there for you if you were to ever need it.
Last but most definatly not least is you Dee. Yes the girl I all promised you I would never speak of again in my Journal. So what I lied. Sue me. Even if I don't reply too it, even if my manly stupid pride won't let me, when I wake in the morning I ask one big, big favour of you.... Please, please, please, could you send me an e-mail. At least letting me know your okay. I can't stunt. I'm worried about you. I don't see you online. You don't post your journal no more. I can't help but wonder if your okay. Wether or not me and you should of ever been is irrelavant. Maybe you needed someone at that time in your life... maybe I did... who knows. Mater of fact who cares. Whats done is done. Whats said is said. All I know is... After all this time, I still care about you. Don't get it twisted. I know we probably could never of been, or even shouldn't of been... that doesn't change the fact. I'm worried about you, I want to know your okay. I want too know wether it be in another mans arms or not your okay. I just want to know you are happy. I want to know your dreams are being forfilled even if not by me. Baby girl despite what I may make myself feel when pride is fucking with me... I know one thing.... without a shadow of a doubt... the closest I have been to happy in this lifetime is the time I spent being in love with you. Please don't let this statement throw you or anything like that. I don't want you too contact me, in the future just because you feel that because of what I said you should contact me or even anything like that. I just want you too know, that despite what I say too the contarary... I just want to know your okay. That is all no more... No less.
Okay that is all. My sins.... for better or worse are purged.... what I truely feel... is out in the open... Yes, I'm a little tipsy. I won't lie to you and pretend I'm not.... but truth is, wether or not i'd plainly admit.... these are things and thoughts I've been wanting to say for a long time now... but been to chicken shit too admit it. I'm not brave... Infact I'm dam near probably the biggest coward you'll ever meet. But I wont lie. I've read all this twice. Hell, 3 or 4 times. and all this is things I've felt, thought, or wanted to at some point say. I've just been to afraid, to stupid... or at sometimes too proud too say it. Right now I don't feel I want to guard myself so heavily. We only live once, and for once I want to say what I truely feel. No masks... no pride... and no second guessing... just free form writing... from the heart... as it should be.... always.
P.S: Theres one other person I want to speak to here, that I haven't thus far, and thats you Tamara. (sorry if I spelled it wrong, but you know, or at least i hope, you know who you are.) If theres ever a person on this planet I'd most wish to meet, its you. Youv'e been there for me even when I haven't always been there for you. You couldn't possibly know how much I care and respect you... Admittedly thats because I don't show it how I should... but still. If I had all the money in the world,and could afford such luxury's you would still be the only person on this whole globe I would come pester.... and not really care about the consequences for my actions. I love you, in a way you could not possibly understand. I love you almost like a sister. You stuck up for me, or at least my cause.. (SMA).. Even though we'd never meet. When you didn't need too. If there's anyone on this planet I feel I could turn too... without being judge it would be you. The fact is Hun, I've never said it. I've never shown it.... but you mean the world too me... just for being who you are... and for that I'm grateful. *mwauah*. If I never say it again... I luv you, my baby girl from down under. I hope all your dreams... comes true.
Anyway... I'mma go now.... before I do though... I just want you all to know one thing... I said all this only because all my safe guards have been taken away tonight. Does it mean I mean it any less... hell no... This is probably the most honest I've been in a while. I struggle hard to keep my safe guards up.. Tonight I don't want too, or care too. I for once just want to say how I feel. If i were too die tomoorrow. ( I won't by the way). I just want to for once say what I feel....
Good night all!
And Merry Christmas!