Wayne D Felix (wayan) wrote,
Wayne D Felix
wayan

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Update Time!

Yeah yeah. I know.... its been an age since I last updated this thing.
I could give any number of reasons for it. Laziness, not really having anything note worthy to write about or just plain tired of writing the same hum drum entries, that deal with the usual themes of nothingness that seem to be quite constant in my journal life.
To be honest nothings really changed for this one.... but I am really, really bored so thought what the hey. So onto whats been happening in my life. A big naff all really. Nothing to report on the house front... oh accept I got a new form to fill in to send off.... but still the event of actually leaving this place seems to be quite far off in the distance. Not really been out anywhere either. Going out requires money, which I have a distinct lack of right about now, mainly due to the wheelchair problems I've had lately. Lets just say all in all thats robbed me of close to £400. I have insurance, but like car insurance it only effects accidents, not wear and tear, or anything of that sort... I know car owners reading this will feel my pain, but still. If ones car gets put out of commision for a while, its nothing more than a rather big inconvience... my wheelchair however is pratically raping me of any independance without it. Leaving it til I had the money to spare is really not an option. It needs to be paid and fixed immediately. So due to that fact I'm skint. Gah disability. I fucking hate it..... well lately anyway.
Okay so now we've establish the fact I'm broke, we can probably see why I'm so bored. have no money to do anything, or even buy anything. Usually when I'm bored like this I go out, or buy a new toy or computer game or something, just to keep my mind occupied... ya know give me something to do. Well can't do that, got no ends. So thats left me just trying to fill my days or should I say nights now (back to vampire mode) with anything I can think of that will give me something to occupy my time. I'm sooo running out of ideas now though.... hence probably why I'm writing in here. Its the only thing I haven't done in a while thats a brake from the normal routine.
However one good thing maybe coming up in the very near future. I'm off to Manchester again on Thursday for a 5 day stay. Will most definatly brake the monotemy of my recent life. However russling up some cash to try enhance my stay is also going to be a problem.... but fuck it, somebody (probably my mobile phone peoples) are just not getting paid this week.. They can wait. However my need fo a brief glimpse of enjoyment can not. Seriously, if it wasn't the fact I know I'm going away in a few days I'd probably go insane. I'm so tired of feeling so empty and down that I just need to have a few days of fun.... its something I haven't felt for such a long time now. Ya know fun and really honest to god happiness. I'm really tired of feeling so down, but like I said, theres not really much I can do about that lately.
Then theres the dreaded lonliness.... Yes yes I know, I mention this a lot. But it really is a terrible feeling to have constantly plague you, and boy its been kicking my ass a lot lately. So much so in one of my weaker moments a couple weeks ago I actually signed up on one of those dating websites *cringe*. I know I know. I feel so well... ashamed to be honest. I never thought (and this may sound big headed) I'd be the kind of person who needed to do that... but alas it seems to have come to pass. To be honest I did sign onto it when i was feeling rather down, and now I just see it as a rather big joke, and don't expect anything to come from it, but still its a bit of a kick in the ass when a joke thats been active for a whole month more or less still hasn't fished no interest :( *sob*. Even those women unfortunate to be a lonely as me don't want nothing to do with me :(. oh well... its just making a rather bitter pill easier and easier to swallow. The whole wife, kids, family thing more than likely is not going to happen for me in this lifetime.... and while its a devasting thing to except... I think I'm getting there. Its not really suprising though... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. No stability, No finacial motivation, and a rather uncertain future.... not exactly catch of the day material. The only thing I really have to offer is.. well love. as romantic a notion as that is, lets face it, theres billions of people on this planet, with nearly all of them able to offer exactly the same with all the desirable extra's and far less bagage. So yeap.. My mind is pretty much getting round this and sort of excepts it... it at least understands it... However as always the problem lies somewhat south of my head. The heart (as it generally always is with me)
is the problem. It doesn't understand and still fluters with hope, and feels the rather uncomfortable sting of going uinforfilled for so long... but what can ya do. I'm hoping it will give up the fight and just die on this subject. It will take the sting off the way I'm feeling if the damn thing would just stop pining for something that seems to be unobtainable for me (or at least near impossible to attain).
It's also making me feel bad on a different note (but somewhat related). Lately I've been feeling a jealousy I've never felt before.... and it bothers me greatly. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately... well to be more specific My brothers family, and even my big sisters family. They've been coming round here a lot more lately. Now don't get me wrong. I love them to bits. My brother finally has got his life sorted. He's no longer doing the dodgy shit he used to mess around with. he's working. Learning a trade (plumbing). His life pretty much seems happy and getting on track. While I am generally extatically happy for him (as finally he is achieving what I always wanted for him).... lately I can't help but feel a little jealous. He has everything, that I am coming to realise I have always wanted and am starting to realise will probably never have. He has the most beautiful loving (though very cheeky ;) ) little daughter. A girlfriend (who I'm pretty sure will becoming wife one day despite all there ups and downs) who obviously loves him, a place to live of his own, and a somewhat bright (if he sticks to the plan he's laid out for himself) future ahead of him. Its funny. Its so strange having these conflicting emotions. If youv'e read any of my previous entries regarding my brother, you will surely all know how much he means to me... and to feel this way because he's doing well for himself sickens me to my stomach... I shouldn't feel this way. I've never ever been jealous of him before. Even when we were younger and I realised he could do a lot I couldn't just due to the fact he could walk and I couldn't. Okay maybe thats a fib, there were times I felt a little jealous. Not being able to play football, or dance with my family members the way he does, or even do Karate like I'd of wanted. That however was always a minor feeling, and so fleeting its hardly worth mentioning.... This feeling of jealousy is somewhat more intense though and lingering, where as the young feelings were a flash in the pan, and never lasted at all past a second or two. Its not malichious, and god forbid it ever will be, but it is making me not want to spend so much time round them. Not my brother on his own. That I can handle quite well. The times however that are a problem are the family meetings. The times were hes there with his daughter in his arms doing the most cute father and daughter things while his girlfrineds looks on contented. its such a shitty feeling to. As I'll be there watching and genuinly smiling inside and on the outside at whats happening. I'll be genuinally happy for him and contented for him and feel so good about all that is his life, and then the realisation that I'll never have any of that hits me, and it stings real hard. its like being on top of the world then falling from that height without a parachute. Then theres the kick in the stomach that comes from realising your jealous of someone and something you love, and love to see happening around you, but at the same time feel this way as well.
*sigh* I don't know what to do about it. As it is, I try to shrug it off and ignore it, but it keeps coming back. I hate myself for it, I really do, but I just don't know what I can do to stop feeling this way. What a shitty Big bro I'm turning out to be. Jealousy, always a problem for me one way or another so it would seem.

I can't help but wonder how different my life could of been if I'd of just been a little luckier in my gene appointement on conception. One gene, one good gene is all I needed just one. My mother had the sma gene, and my father had it too. They both however both had the pairing normal gene, so were fine. All I needed was one of them to give me one of there good genes and all of this could of been avoided... As it turns out I got both the Sma genes... lucky me. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself.... another thing I hate doing, and while I know there are plenty people worse off than me, and plenty of shitty things happening in the world, and I'm not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, no daily pain or anything like that, or any of the other million nicey nicey reasons I force myself to realise daily that my life could be worse.... not one of them is helping right now... :( I feel utterly miserable, and fully intend to wallow in it.... Tonight at least anyway.
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  • 3 comments
Dude, that was heavy. My friend has MD and he has told me some very similar things. It's like, you just want one woman to see you for who you are and who can accept you and your life, and it is hard to find, I mean shit, when some men in this world can't get laid just because they are too nice, what is humanity coming to. I hope that you find that person, you just have to stay social and don't allow yourself to become shut in and cut off. That is dating suicide. And fuck it, you might find your girl on one of those sites. That way whoever signed on with you for the night would have picked you out, you know. Stuff happens in life. I always thought that your picture was very good-looking, btw. I love guys with goatees like that. It's hot.
*hugs* I've definately been there too.

from batty

Anonymous

June 1 2005, 10:57:46 UTC 12 years ago

where art thou my love? :(