Wayne D Felix (wayan) wrote,
Wayne D Felix

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Guess whos back!

Yay! its me again folks. My god its been such a long time since I've written in here. I feel kinda bad about it actually. I had a nice little moany chronicles going on here at one point. Then just due to being damn lazy really I just stopped. Well lets see if I can't pick it back up again with a little more regularity. I'm pretty sure the content will be as angsty and repetative as it always was, but hey when your life circumstances aren't really changing much what can ya do.

Yup you guessed it folks. I'm pretty much in the exact situation I was in, in any of my previous entries. Still at fucking home, still bored out my mind, and still lonely as hell. Infact these 3 circumstances aren't probably likely to change ever at this rate... well actually thats not totally true. The housing thing is moving ahead slowly. Since I last spoke to you guys about it, my previous application somehow went walk about and I was taken from the waiting list... so I've jus recently reapplied yet again! Much to my dismay. However, I dunno things jus seem to be moving a little more quickly this time and with more conviction. From my part at least. I'm actually actively chasing my application up a lot more frivilously this time. Then again I didn't chase it at all last time so I guess it wasn't really a hard bench mark to surpass.

My familys still pretty much same old same old. Can't remember if I mentioned it before, but my mum's back home, though her and my step dad aren't back together either. They both live here, and are somewhat cordial to each other, but lets jus say the situation isn't ideal... but its liveable I guess. My brother *sigh* well his little Utopia he had going on for himself now lies in ruins yet again. Can't say I'm that surprised, but am somewhat dissappointed. Things were going really good for a good while there. Him and his baby mother have split. They no longer live together, though he still sees his daughter, who's still just as bloody gorgeous, though even more cheeky than ever. Hes no longer an apprentice plumber, as the company he was apprenticing with relocated and he jus couldn't go with. Not exactly sure what his plans are there now, but last I heard he was looking for a new placement... its been a good while now though, so he's probably more than likely let it drop to the way side... *le sigh* I suppose if I had any gumption about myself I'd get on his case about it, but that would be kind of hypocritical of me seens I'm not exactly a good role model for someone whos fights for what they want. On a plus side though my lil sis (though not so little anymore) is doing well for herself. Shes at Uni, doing well, and theres recently been talk of her and her long term boyfriend moving in to a house together which I guess is pretty good news.

Sooo let me think what else to report. Oh in true 'idiot' fashion. I onced again have fallen for someone, that any intelligent person would know better than to do. Theres a pretty substanial age gap, a pretty substantial distance issue, and well as i've discussed many many times before, I know full well I'm no good for this person at all.... but I cant help but find myself drawn to her. Its kinda like a moth to a flame deal with me. I'm sure the moth knows as I that there course of action is leading to disaster, but for some reason they just can't seem to stop themself from following there hopeless course to self destruction. I do it all the damn time. Shes so damn gorgeous though, and has the added bonus of having family memebers with very simular disabilities, so knows full well what shes potentially getting into with me... but still where at such different life stages its not even funny. She's just starting out on the fun adult life times, where as I'm all about the settling down and nesting thing... and the two, in no way shape or fashion are compatible. As it stands right now. I'm not very optomistic about the whole affair. Don't get me wrong. I am 100% sure, that if I was able to give things say 5 years time to mature. Then we would and most possible could be awesomely happy and content together, and all that good stuff... as it stands now, it jus ain't and can't happen realistically, and well I may not have 5 years left in me to wait.. so I'm left with a dilema. Do I just cut this girl loose and hope and pray that I'm still alive and kicking in 5 years time to take a chance at the happiness I crave... or do I just continue to do what I have been doing and ignore totally my common sense, just for the brief illusion of not being so desperatly lonely and taking whatever comfort I can from such a messed up situation. Its selfish as hell on my part I know, but I'm leaning to the darkside. I'm so fucking tired of being alone. I just hope in the process I don't do her any damage due to my own selfishness. With each passing day though, I feel extremely guilty I'm doing jus that though.

Well I guess thats us all caught up now, well kinda. I know I say this every single time I write here, but I will try to not make my next entry take as long as this one to come about. Suprisingly its felt pretty damn good again, jus to talk crap about my pretty crappy life. I've missed that feeling of release. Here's hoping that will keep me coming back to unload once again.
Toodles for now.
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