Anyway to try and cut this build up somewhat shorter than it could end up being, I got an Invite from My Uncle Andrew to his 40th Birthday Party via my Brother. I was naturally intrigued, as the invitation hinted at a live Salsa band well as drink and merryment going on into the night, the music later changing to a DJ of some sort. Knowing my family it was pretty much definatly going to be a bashment/Dancehall affair as the night rolls on. The last time I had been in a simular family situation was probably the Christening (I think I documented it here a year or two back). I'd had fun, and was really looking forward to this party. I in myself know I don't see my family as much as I should, and often feel regret for that, so this was an ample opportunity to make up somewhat for that by making the effort to attend. So I told my Brother to accept on my behalf. I was going.
So Saturday rolls around and I get ready to attend the party. You know the usual affair. Having not been out for a really long time, I was actually very excited by the prospect of merryment and fun. However on my Taxi ride down to the venue, I started getting the old butterflys in my tummy feeling. its a really odd feeling to be somewhat nervous and apprehensive about your own family. I mean I know I shouldn't do but I feel somewhat of an outsider in those circles having not really spent much time over the years with any of them, my Dad included. However my Brother was going to be there so that kinda made it easier. The feeling however did intensify when i entered the place.
Its really, really odd. My Grandma, aunties and Uncles all shower me with attention anytime I see them. Some of them I don't even know. Thats the worst. When someone comes upto you, and asks 'Remember me?'. Now I have two options here. Try Stlye it out and say of course! Or be honest and say no not really and see them visibly dissappointed. However Lying and saying yes can backfire too when the follow up question equals 'So who am I then'... Boy thats a tough one, and you generally have to put your acting skills to the test with the oh I know you but your name escapes me bit right now deal... Because of this my uncomfort level is always at an all time high at these things..... at least at first anyway. Eventually the feeling of being that outsider tends to disapate, and even though you don't know the people around you as you should, you start feeling the whole family vibe thing. This is what happened that night... albiet after a couple hours of awkwardness.
On a side note, something abit off tangent but still relevant ahead. Boy oh Boy. Not to sound big headed or anything but my God I come from a pretty damn good looking family. Now you people might look at my user pic and call bullshit on that one! (cheeky buggers) but seriously. I myself don't consider myself that ugly... somewhat middlish in the looks department. Nearly all my family look that good if not better. Now this can get difficult. Especially for an outsider such as myself, as I really don't know who I'm related to. Some of my Female family memebers, Cousins, Aunties etc are bloody gorgeous, and with me not knowing whos family you can see where hilarity might ensue. My new policy, never under any circumstance, when at a gathering like this, make any kind of play against any of the female attendants, as more than likely your bloody related. Seeing some of the female attendees there though made me actually wish to be a real outsider who wouldn't have to play by said rules. That may sound a little odd but hey, remember I don't really know these people so those incetous feelings of disgust haven't had time to form :-p
Anyway The party was very good. I got suitable drunk but not overly so. Bonded with a few of my cousins (both male and female) and on a whole just had a really good time. I definatly intend to try attend more of these family gatherings, and at least try and stay in touch with my cousins myself. Okay family wise things are pretty messed up, but hey thats mainly due to parental issues, not much us younger generation could of done about it. Anyway us younger male Johnsons (my Family name, Felix is my StepDads name I came to adopt over he years) have decide to try organise lads nights out if possible, which if they get off the ground could most likely be awesome. Heres hoping.
Anyways the Party ended roughly about 3am, but most of us ended up heading back to my Uncles place, and continued the drinking there. Here i had a rather heart to heart convesation with one of my other Uncles. Uncle Donovan. We talked about life in general and I kinda made it know to him how I felt about the whole family deal. How i sometimes feel bad i don't know my family how I should, and how I feel somewhat uncomfortable around them sometimes. He told me pretty much what I said early. He said 'You can't hold yourself responsible for the mistakes of your parents. Its not your fault things turned out the way they are. Just know we'll always be family and your always welcome and loved by all of us'. At that time I was rather drunk, but still I was loving the sentiment and he was very right. The nights events on a whole had made me realise I'd be doing myself a great disservice not to try harder to reintergrate myself back into the Johnson family.
So yeah I rolled home about 6 in the morning where I promtly went to bed, and tried my hardest to get to sleep. Having not been drunk for a while, the side effects such as 'difficulty sleeping' had eluded me. Its not so much the getting to sleep, its the staying that way for any decent amount of time thats difficult. Needless to say I was knackered the next day, but it was well worth it in my opnion. I had some real fun. Haven't had that in ages, and I fully wish to keep this momentum going. Hopefully I can sort some kind of going out thing more regulally, with my cousins and Brother and such, as they all seem very keen to do so. A lack of people to go out with has been one of the main reasons I've rarely gone out lately.. Looks like that problem maybe solved... So its high time I started enjoying my life again. As of right now I fully intend to at least try do that. Its funny how having a little fun can rekindle ones lust for life! Its an exciting feeling, heres hoping I keep hold of it for a while.
An update on the girl situation I briefly mentioned in my lasted entry. Well seems like that is pretty much playing its course as expected. Things have happened lately, which in true Wayne fashion means my trust for this girl has pretty much evaporated completely. I don't wish to get into the specifics of it all as theres a long ass story involved with just about all aspects of the whole affair. However, due to me preparing myself for this course of events I'm not as devestated as I could be by whats going on. I really really like and have feelings for this girl, but I'm pretty sure the best relationship we can strive for together right now is one of friendship anyway, so friends is what I will be.. Does make it somewhat hard though when you have strong feelings for a friend, and even though your not sure if you beleive them when they tell you, but they also claim to have love for you. Infact thats not entirely true, if theres one thing I actually do beleive its that she has feelings for me... its just anything else that comes out of her mouth has my spider senses tingling. Well we'll see what happens, but as of last week romance at least right now, of any kind is definatly off the table, and probably always should of been. Feelings aren't always right, sometimes commonsense has to (though rarely does in my case) prevail.
Still lonely though... then again I claim loneliness but haven't been a hunting so to speak in such a long ass time. Maybe these lads night out could be just what the doctor ordered in this department too. Then again, none of my cousins or brother are unpleasing to the eye. My chances are slim to none on a good day, without there good looks making it worse! lol, I'm not too proud to deny cast offs though or better yet, potential hook ups friends! I dunno why but this whole situation, is making me feel playerish... and by that I don't mean player as in going out to use and obuse women for sex and such, but jus actually playing the game of the hunt. Theres many many many women out there, and beleive it or not I can charm with the best of them... I really need to start using my A game despite my obvious failings. Trying and failing isn't as bad as not trying at all, who knows could even get lucky! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I'll try keep you all posted.
Toodles for now.