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Wednesday, April 7th, 2010
1:57 pm - Hello.
Well it has been a while now hasn't it. I haven't written here in sooooo long. In fact I only just remembered about this site while scanning my bookmarks the other day and have since been reading all my old entries. Hehe its odd to read back now so many years later... So much has happened, and so much has changed... I've changed too... but not so much that myself of the past seems alien to me. I'm still very much the same person... Just older!

I think I'd like to start this back up, mainly cause I have at the moment a lot to get off my chest, and not really any other outlet to do so... but where to begin with the catch up. To bridge the years and the person I was with where and who I am now. I think I'll just do a brief summary of where I am this minute for now...and come back when I have the time and energy to write entries detailing whats been going on.

I finally have moved out of my home and am now living independently. Only took 6 years. To be fair though that's my own fault. I didn't push as hard for it before as I should have. However its done now and as of January this year I'm living in a 2 bedroom flat. So far its going really well. I'm enjoying it anyway. I've found it wasn't quite the answer to all my problems that I thought it would be... but its a start to moving my life forward at least.

Yes I'm single...again! My 3 year relationship came to an end just before Christmas. I won't dwell too much on it in this entry as if I keep this journal thing going again, chances are they'll be a few colossal entries detailing the whole thing. How could they not be as its without a doubt the biggest thing that's happened to me the past couple of years...possibly my whole life up to this point, and has left an impact, both good and bad.

My family has changed some what too. The old house we used to live in non of us live there any more. My Mum has her own place and a boyfriend. My step-dad moved in with his girlfriend, and is now engaged to her. For those who paid an interest at one point in my life his girlfriend now was the woman I had suspicions about back then so its hardly a surprise to me. Its old news now though, and were all at relative peace about it all. Good luck to them. My sister is all growns up. She's finishing her masters at Uni this year, and has moved in with her boyfriend of going on nearly 8 years (I think) a long time ago now. She seems happy, though very busy.
My brother... well I never know what's going on from one day to the next with him. He has had another child since. A little boy named Deonté. I'll see about putting a picture up later. However he him with another woman not his girlfriend of old.. though there still together. So yeah you can imagine the drama. If I was to write more about it.. I'd be here all day. So yeah that's the family situation. Where no long all under the same roof... but where all relatively happy which is good :)

Erm what else... well there's not really much else to say that I can say briefly. I need to go into more depth and if I come back here again soon, I will. I hope anyone who used to read my journal who may see this now will continue to do so. I hope your all well, and life is treating you kindly. I guess I'll find out too if I start coming here regularly again :)

Goodbye for now,
Hopefully I'll be back soon to document the new chapter of my life as well as chronicling some of the chapters missed.

current mood: good

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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
9:26 pm - Taps Mic...
... 'Hello? is this thing on?'

Well howdy y'all. I think (but am not entirely sure) this has been the longest amount of time I've actually gone without an update. This time however I won't make the promise I'll try not to let it happen again as its highly evident I'm just a bold face liar at this point. hehe.
So what been happening with me..... an absolute shit load to be fair. So much so infact I'm kinda at a loss on where to begin. I've opted out of the trying to cram the year + amount of time I need to account for into a long thoughtful brain wracking post, and have decided to go for the much easier, less length and detailed breif summary... unless I get carried away like I very much used too.

I'm in love! Have been for over a year, and am currently in a relationship. *gasp, shock, horror* Yeah I know. I wouldn't have thought it either but its true. Funny how having someone love you, and you loving them back can enrich your life so. Whats even better is this relationship has breached the realms of the cyberdomain I used to solely rely on for companionship. We actually can and do see each other frequently, for realz! This added component of a relationship is something I never used to think was that vital, but by god it is. I don't want to get into too much detail about the lucky or unlucky (as some may veiw it... bastards!) lady as she does deserve a whole host of seperate in depth journal enteries to herself at some point. If I ever manage to drag my arse back here again I'm sure I'll do just that. I do love her to bits though and for some odd reason that I find unfathomable she loves me back just as much *swoon*. I've also had *cough* realtions *cough* with said women. Another big monumental change in my life that was long coming. Well worth the wait IMHO. Turns out I've got some skill in that department too! Who knew. I always guessed I would have, but its good to finally know for sure!

Family life is going okay. Mum and Dad, got divorced but apart from that everything pretty much as it was. It just so happens we all should be moving out of this house soon and all getting our own places and moving on with life. Its for the best.

As hinted at above still not out on my own yet but will be very shortly. Were talking months now not years. Excited about it, still a little scared though.

Physically a little weaker... its to be expected I supposed... still doesn't mean I have to like it.

Brother is fine. His Daughter Chyna is 5! Can you beleive it. Little madam she is, but super cute with it. Clever too. sometimes too bloody clever but I love her too bits.

Ermmm what else.. gee that can't be it... feels like so much more.... doesn't matter anyway, gotta dash have company. I'll try be back soon... but Can't promise for definate I will be. I guess now I'm actually happy I really don't need to vent or wallow quite as much. Fun how that works huh?

Love you all

P.S. Batty, you shouldn't still be reading this hehe, but I kinda hope you are. Got your lovely Christmas card. Hung it up with the rest, but somehow it got misplaced when the Christmas decorations came down... and me like the chump I am lost your e-mail addy. If by some miracle you see this. E-mail me if you can rememeber my address.... so I can get back to you. If not erm... oh hell here it is: wfelix_2000@hotmail.com (no perverts please... except you bats hehe joking). Love ya hun.

current mood: happy

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Friday, September 29th, 2006
5:57 pm - This past weeks events
Wohoo, I actually have something to write about this entry. The Saturday just gone was My Uncle (on My real Dad's side) Birthday. His 40th to be precise. Now as some of you may or may not know, I currently live with my Mum and Step Dad, and to say I hardly known my family from my biologic Dad's side would be somewhat an understatement. My Brother however since he moved out of here, has kinda bridge the gap in that respect. He Sees my biolgical Dad a lot more than I, and hangs round with that side of the family much much more than I do. In fact he's pretty much back in the fold with them so to speak. Hmmm its hard to put in to words what I mean by that comment. Its like he's totally intergrated back into my biolgical family tree. He known my aunties, Uncles and cousin, all how a nephew should... where as I barely know any of them. Never the less, as I was, the first Nephew, Grandchild etc from that side of the family, all of them seem to know me from when I was a baby, and hold me in somewhat high regard apparently.

Anyway to try and cut this build up somewhat shorter than it could end up being, I got an Invite from My Uncle Andrew to his 40th Birthday Party via my Brother. I was naturally intrigued, as the invitation hinted at a live Salsa band well as drink and merryment going on into the night, the music later changing to a DJ of some sort. Knowing my family it was pretty much definatly going to be a bashment/Dancehall affair as the night rolls on. The last time I had been in a simular family situation was probably the Christening (I think I documented it here a year or two back). I'd had fun, and was really looking forward to this party. I in myself know I don't see my family as much as I should, and often feel regret for that, so this was an ample opportunity to make up somewhat for that by making the effort to attend. So I told my Brother to accept on my behalf. I was going.

So Saturday rolls around and I get ready to attend the party. You know the usual affair. Having not been out for a really long time, I was actually very excited by the prospect of merryment and fun. However on my Taxi ride down to the venue, I started getting the old butterflys in my tummy feeling. its a really odd feeling to be somewhat nervous and apprehensive about your own family. I mean I know I shouldn't do but I feel somewhat of an outsider in those circles having not really spent much time over the years with any of them, my Dad included. However my Brother was going to be there so that kinda made it easier. The feeling however did intensify when i entered the place.

Its really, really odd. My Grandma, aunties and Uncles all shower me with attention anytime I see them. Some of them I don't even know. Thats the worst. When someone comes upto you, and asks 'Remember me?'. Now I have two options here. Try Stlye it out and say of course! Or be honest and say no not really and see them visibly dissappointed. However Lying and saying yes can backfire too when the follow up question equals 'So who am I then'... Boy thats a tough one, and you generally have to put your acting skills to the test with the oh I know you but your name escapes me bit right now deal... Because of this my uncomfort level is always at an all time high at these things..... at least at first anyway. Eventually the feeling of being that outsider tends to disapate, and even though you don't know the people around you as you should, you start feeling the whole family vibe thing. This is what happened that night... albiet after a couple hours of awkwardness.

On a side note, something abit off tangent but still relevant ahead. Boy oh Boy. Not to sound big headed or anything but my God I come from a pretty damn good looking family. Now you people might look at my user pic and call bullshit on that one! (cheeky buggers) but seriously. I myself don't consider myself that ugly... somewhat middlish in the looks department. Nearly all my family look that good if not better. Now this can get difficult. Especially for an outsider such as myself, as I really don't know who I'm related to. Some of my Female family memebers, Cousins, Aunties etc are bloody gorgeous, and with me not knowing whos family you can see where hilarity might ensue. My new policy, never under any circumstance, when at a gathering like this, make any kind of play against any of the female attendants, as more than likely your bloody related. Seeing some of the female attendees there though made me actually wish to be a real outsider who wouldn't have to play by said rules. That may sound a little odd but hey, remember I don't really know these people so those incetous feelings of disgust haven't had time to form :-p

Anyway The party was very good. I got suitable drunk but not overly so. Bonded with a few of my cousins (both male and female) and on a whole just had a really good time. I definatly intend to try attend more of these family gatherings, and at least try and stay in touch with my cousins myself. Okay family wise things are pretty messed up, but hey thats mainly due to parental issues, not much us younger generation could of done about it. Anyway us younger male Johnsons (my Family name, Felix is my StepDads name I came to adopt over he years) have decide to try organise lads nights out if possible, which if they get off the ground could most likely be awesome. Heres hoping.

Anyways the Party ended roughly about 3am, but most of us ended up heading back to my Uncles place, and continued the drinking there. Here i had a rather heart to heart convesation with one of my other Uncles. Uncle Donovan. We talked about life in general and I kinda made it know to him how I felt about the whole family deal. How i sometimes feel bad i don't know my family how I should, and how I feel somewhat uncomfortable around them sometimes. He told me pretty much what I said early. He said 'You can't hold yourself responsible for the mistakes of your parents. Its not your fault things turned out the way they are. Just know we'll always be family and your always welcome and loved by all of us'. At that time I was rather drunk, but still I was loving the sentiment and he was very right. The nights events on a whole had made me realise I'd be doing myself a great disservice not to try harder to reintergrate myself back into the Johnson family.

So yeah I rolled home about 6 in the morning where I promtly went to bed, and tried my hardest to get to sleep. Having not been drunk for a while, the side effects such as 'difficulty sleeping' had eluded me. Its not so much the getting to sleep, its the staying that way for any decent amount of time thats difficult. Needless to say I was knackered the next day, but it was well worth it in my opnion. I had some real fun. Haven't had that in ages, and I fully wish to keep this momentum going. Hopefully I can sort some kind of going out thing more regulally, with my cousins and Brother and such, as they all seem very keen to do so. A lack of people to go out with has been one of the main reasons I've rarely gone out lately.. Looks like that problem maybe solved... So its high time I started enjoying my life again. As of right now I fully intend to at least try do that. Its funny how having a little fun can rekindle ones lust for life! Its an exciting feeling, heres hoping I keep hold of it for a while.

An update on the girl situation I briefly mentioned in my lasted entry. Well seems like that is pretty much playing its course as expected. Things have happened lately, which in true Wayne fashion means my trust for this girl has pretty much evaporated completely. I don't wish to get into the specifics of it all as theres a long ass story involved with just about all aspects of the whole affair. However, due to me preparing myself for this course of events I'm not as devestated as I could be by whats going on. I really really like and have feelings for this girl, but I'm pretty sure the best relationship we can strive for together right now is one of friendship anyway, so friends is what I will be.. Does make it somewhat hard though when you have strong feelings for a friend, and even though your not sure if you beleive them when they tell you, but they also claim to have love for you. Infact thats not entirely true, if theres one thing I actually do beleive its that she has feelings for me... its just anything else that comes out of her mouth has my spider senses tingling. Well we'll see what happens, but as of last week romance at least right now, of any kind is definatly off the table, and probably always should of been. Feelings aren't always right, sometimes commonsense has to (though rarely does in my case) prevail.

Still lonely though... then again I claim loneliness but haven't been a hunting so to speak in such a long ass time. Maybe these lads night out could be just what the doctor ordered in this department too. Then again, none of my cousins or brother are unpleasing to the eye. My chances are slim to none on a good day, without there good looks making it worse! lol, I'm not too proud to deny cast offs though or better yet, potential hook ups friends! I dunno why but this whole situation, is making me feel playerish... and by that I don't mean player as in going out to use and obuse women for sex and such, but jus actually playing the game of the hunt. Theres many many many women out there, and beleive it or not I can charm with the best of them... I really need to start using my A game despite my obvious failings. Trying and failing isn't as bad as not trying at all, who knows could even get lucky! I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I'll try keep you all posted.
Toodles for now.

current mood: optimistic

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
4:11 am - Guess whos back!
Yay! its me again folks. My god its been such a long time since I've written in here. I feel kinda bad about it actually. I had a nice little moany chronicles going on here at one point. Then just due to being damn lazy really I just stopped. Well lets see if I can't pick it back up again with a little more regularity. I'm pretty sure the content will be as angsty and repetative as it always was, but hey when your life circumstances aren't really changing much what can ya do.

Yup you guessed it folks. I'm pretty much in the exact situation I was in, in any of my previous entries. Still at fucking home, still bored out my mind, and still lonely as hell. Infact these 3 circumstances aren't probably likely to change ever at this rate... well actually thats not totally true. The housing thing is moving ahead slowly. Since I last spoke to you guys about it, my previous application somehow went walk about and I was taken from the waiting list... so I've jus recently reapplied yet again! Much to my dismay. However, I dunno things jus seem to be moving a little more quickly this time and with more conviction. From my part at least. I'm actually actively chasing my application up a lot more frivilously this time. Then again I didn't chase it at all last time so I guess it wasn't really a hard bench mark to surpass.

My familys still pretty much same old same old. Can't remember if I mentioned it before, but my mum's back home, though her and my step dad aren't back together either. They both live here, and are somewhat cordial to each other, but lets jus say the situation isn't ideal... but its liveable I guess. My brother *sigh* well his little Utopia he had going on for himself now lies in ruins yet again. Can't say I'm that surprised, but am somewhat dissappointed. Things were going really good for a good while there. Him and his baby mother have split. They no longer live together, though he still sees his daughter, who's still just as bloody gorgeous, though even more cheeky than ever. Hes no longer an apprentice plumber, as the company he was apprenticing with relocated and he jus couldn't go with. Not exactly sure what his plans are there now, but last I heard he was looking for a new placement... its been a good while now though, so he's probably more than likely let it drop to the way side... *le sigh* I suppose if I had any gumption about myself I'd get on his case about it, but that would be kind of hypocritical of me seens I'm not exactly a good role model for someone whos fights for what they want. On a plus side though my lil sis (though not so little anymore) is doing well for herself. Shes at Uni, doing well, and theres recently been talk of her and her long term boyfriend moving in to a house together which I guess is pretty good news.

Sooo let me think what else to report. Oh in true 'idiot' fashion. I onced again have fallen for someone, that any intelligent person would know better than to do. Theres a pretty substanial age gap, a pretty substantial distance issue, and well as i've discussed many many times before, I know full well I'm no good for this person at all.... but I cant help but find myself drawn to her. Its kinda like a moth to a flame deal with me. I'm sure the moth knows as I that there course of action is leading to disaster, but for some reason they just can't seem to stop themself from following there hopeless course to self destruction. I do it all the damn time. Shes so damn gorgeous though, and has the added bonus of having family memebers with very simular disabilities, so knows full well what shes potentially getting into with me... but still where at such different life stages its not even funny. She's just starting out on the fun adult life times, where as I'm all about the settling down and nesting thing... and the two, in no way shape or fashion are compatible. As it stands right now. I'm not very optomistic about the whole affair. Don't get me wrong. I am 100% sure, that if I was able to give things say 5 years time to mature. Then we would and most possible could be awesomely happy and content together, and all that good stuff... as it stands now, it jus ain't and can't happen realistically, and well I may not have 5 years left in me to wait.. so I'm left with a dilema. Do I just cut this girl loose and hope and pray that I'm still alive and kicking in 5 years time to take a chance at the happiness I crave... or do I just continue to do what I have been doing and ignore totally my common sense, just for the brief illusion of not being so desperatly lonely and taking whatever comfort I can from such a messed up situation. Its selfish as hell on my part I know, but I'm leaning to the darkside. I'm so fucking tired of being alone. I just hope in the process I don't do her any damage due to my own selfishness. With each passing day though, I feel extremely guilty I'm doing jus that though.

Well I guess thats us all caught up now, well kinda. I know I say this every single time I write here, but I will try to not make my next entry take as long as this one to come about. Suprisingly its felt pretty damn good again, jus to talk crap about my pretty crappy life. I've missed that feeling of release. Here's hoping that will keep me coming back to unload once again.
Toodles for now.

current mood: indifferent

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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
5:46 pm - Quater of a Century.
I know, I've pretty much abandoned this thing. But I've always made a Birthday post here for the past few years, so why break a habit. This one probably won't be as long or drawn out, but who knows.. I do on occassion go off on tangents.

So I went out last night to celebrate my 25th. It was a damn good night out. I went to a club in manchester. It plays all the kind of music I love, some R'n'B, hip-hop, Dancehall, and some funky house and garage. The music was good, the atmosphere was great, the women were beautiful.... but something still bothered me. I think my clubbing days are slowly pasted me. Not so much that I don't like it, but more so that my body just can't seem to handle it anymore. I used to be able to enjoy myself. Of course I'd hate dancing, as I'd be very self concious of how I looked compared to 'the normal peoples' But give me enough to drink and I'd cease to care eventually.... now however my body even more so than it used to just has too much difficulty moving how I want it too, and without it require a lot of effort on my part. Its no longer fun anymore, but more a chore.... one I'm wondering wether to keep up. I still probably go clubbing on occasion, but more to be a wall flower and watch every one else dance, than to be part of the action myself.... it's funny, how I used to hate dancing even awkwardly... but I'm somehow going to miss it. or maybe its just the drunk feeling of not giving a damn about anything that I'd always have with the dancing *shrugs* who knows.

I can't really complain though. I mean 25 years, is not a small amount of time, and I've enjoyed a damn site of it, and done things many people in my situation havn't done, or lived to do... so I guess I should be grateful... Don't get me wrong though, I'm not quite ready to leave here yet (hopefully) but, I am becoming aware that my hey day is probably gone, and things physically are going to only get worse from here on out.

On a much more superficial note... I'm closer to 30! OMG... closer than I am to being a teenager anyway.... I really need to grow up... Lol I still don't feel adultish at all...

Toodles for now... I'll be back at some point I'm sure.

current mood: thoughtful

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Friday, October 28th, 2005
12:52 pm - Shadia
Hello again journal readers... long time no write I know... but if I'm honest I'd pretty much given up on this whole journal thing and wasn't intending to continue it at all. However its been a long time now, and theres things I need to once again purge off my chest. I can't promise it will be any different from my previous entry's but if you feel so inclined, pleae continue to read.

First off a confession of something I've been needing to get off my chest for a while. I've done something I'm not proud of, in fact everytime I think of it, I get sick to my stomach and genuinely feel loathing for myself for it... but before we go into that, some background story is needed for you all to understand the situation I find myself in.

You may recall in my last entry I mentioned I was going off to Manchester again for a few days. Sometime in April I think it was. As it so happens I did, and I had a good time like I hoped I would. That however was not all that happened. I met a girl there, not a new aquintance, as I had spoke with her in passing before, but it was not someone I knew overly well. Her name was Shadia. She like me was staying there to get away from her troubles... though as it so happens her troubles are much worse than my own. She had been diagnosed with Cancer... and not the kind of 'we can beat this cancer with kimo' storys you hear about.. I mean truely infected with it. She had it all the way through out her system. She had been diagnosed with it at 16 and now at 18, she was just waiting to die... she knew there was no 'getting better'. All things aside though, she wasn't depressingly morbid with it... or if she was, she did good to put on a brave face, as most people do. So as the story goes, I spent some time sitting and chillin with her. As people go, she was very much like me. Simular kind of humour, simular tastes in music and such. We got on well and I get the feeling she liked spending time with me... though of course that could of had something to do with the drug cocktail she was on. I'm not entirely sure what medication she was on, but it was serious stuff. It meant that one minute we'd be nicely chatting away, and the next she'd slip out of conciousness for a little while. it was diconcerting to say the least... until you got used to it... and as in her room she always had a movie of some type playing it didn't really matter, as when she'd go silent again, I'd focus my attention on the film for a little while til she came too and decided to speak to me again.

We spoke about many things. I asked her all about her diagnosis, and her life before it. As it so happens she had a 'life diary' as she called it.. I think. It had extracts and pictures from her life. Of her and her friends, of her growing up and just a visual and written account of her life. It was amazing to look through... as well as heartbraking. I saw the transition of this girls entire life before me, as well as pictures of her before she had been diagnosed. Now to say this girl was a stunna is an understatement. She was the kind of girl I would of knawed off my own right arm to be with once upon a time. Funny thing is you could still see the same beauty in her now.. I mean she had vastily changed from the picture taken of her 2 years prior, mainly due to threpay, drugs, and the steroids she was constantly on now. She had gained a lot of weight, due to said steroids. Behind all that though she was still the same person, and I could see that... not to mention she had a personality that went with mine very well... Fact of the matter is, I know I most definatly would of been attracted to the girl she was, and even now if I let myself could be attracted to the person she was now...

... but saying all that, I knew I wouldn't allow myself to be, and here in lies my shame. Over the few days we hung out it became obvious that she had got attached to me somehow... I would use attracted too... but in my mind I'm not so sure thats the case. Through talking it was made clear to me that her friends from her life previous somehow couldn't make the change to encompass who she was now, and she hardly saw them. That also extends to all the male company she must of had fawning after her once upon a time. They too had long since stopped calling, and weren't around anymore. Simply put she was desperately lonely, a feeling and situation I know a lil something something about. I felt devastated for her. I mean until 2 years previous this girl for all intense purposes had lead a full normal life. She had not know illness, or disability at all I wouldn't imagine. Now here she was so far removed from the life she was once living.. so much so she found herself in the predicament of being lonely and reaching out a hand to someone like me.. Someone who could emphasise, and who in her previous life, she probably wouldn't have shown the time of day too... and this is what my petty little mind fixated on. I knew or at least thought I did, that she was lonely, maybe even more so than I am or have felt... I also knew that she was dying, and she did too... I also knew she most desperatly didn't want to die lonely.. and was hoping that I would maybe help her make that not be the case...

.. However I could not, and would not. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to. I mean I saw no future at all in this pairing, I knew she was dying... I knew that given however many months she had left that a pairing between us would be very unfruitful... I mean I'm pretty seriously disabled myself, and as time gets closer to her death, she'd become increasing so too.. What kind of romance could be achieved between 2 individuals such as we... and most of all as hinted too above, I knew she didn't want me. It mattered not who I was, she just needed, someone.. anyone to fill that void of loneliness... and as hinted to above, if things had of been different, she would never have bothered with me.... and all these reasons, plus others I can't quite put into words right now made me not do what I feel I should of done now... and I didn't take that hand she had reached out for companionship... Though as only a coward like myself could do... I didn't full out right say no either... *sigh*

We exchanged numbers, as she was very keen for me to come visit her at some point at her home. I took it, and fully at the time intended to keep in touch. Though as I got home the realisations that I pointed out above started to come to my mind more often... Whats worse is she continually kept texting me, saying how she missed me and other such romantic notions. I tried too... but for some reason, I just couldn't return the sentiment. I knew what she wanted and that was someone to show her some kind of romatic affection, and I just couldn't bring myself to lie to her. All I had to do was fake it for a while... and while that sounds awful to say, I know if I'd of given it a little effort I could of done. Let me explain..
It wasn't as if I didn't like this girl as I really did... Faking it may be a little strong, but I most certainly could of over amplified the way I felt about her, and she would of been none the wiser. I could of played the role she would have me play, I know I could... and I could of played it well.... but I didn't, and wouldn't allow myself too. I wasn't going to take the chance of falling into this role, and actually really falling for this girl.. I wouldn't be able to handle it... and still in the back of my mind the thoughts of 'she doesn't really want you' just wouldn't stop playing.. and I knew deep down it was true...

So... the texts for a while kept coming, and I kept replying, but always keeping them friendly and making sure not to return the romantic overtones... What a coward I am, I should of just been clear with her. Anyway, eventually she must of caught on that she wasn't going to get from me what she was hoping... that I wasn't going to be there for her how she needed. Eventually the texts slowed down to nothingness... and I never once bothered to make contact when they just stopped. I tried to justify my actions to myself. I mean technically, I hadn't done anything wrong, or so I'd have myself beleive and well hell she didn't really like me anyway right? or so I told myself...

Anyway the beginning of July comes around and I get a phone call one morning from this Place in Manchester I go stay. Shardia had died. They thought I should know, as it had been mentioned at the place that we were friends... I hung up the phone and felt a guilt the likes of which I had never felt before... I hadn't spoken to this girl for months, and had tried hard to keep her from my thoughts, and here it was now, I couldn't do it anymore. The woman on the phone had said 'we were friends'... what kind of fucking friend lets there friend die lonely like that. Of course I don't know that she was lonely at the time, we hadn't spoke for months, but the thought of it chills me to my core.. what if she had been? I could of made sure she hadn't... hell I should of done! If anyone could understand what she was going through, understand the fear of leaving this miserable excuse for a life with no one, then that someone was and is me. I know her fear, as I share it. I feel the sting of being lonely...I feel the hopelessness of it all just as she had, and I fear more than anything leaving her alone.... and yet I did nothing to help her. I should of done something! I could of done something. I could of eased her pain, I could of been there for her... yet selfishly I wasn't. I had done to her, what I am sure many women in the past have done to me, and discounted her from my heart on the pure fact I saw no future at all in investing in such a relationship.. What a fucking asshole I am. I mean shit, this wasn't even about me. Who cares if she in her heart of hearts really wanted me or would have wanted to be with me if things where different, what the hell did that matter. It shouldn't have.. and what would it have mattered if my feelings for her were geniune or true, if I could of just made her passing that little less lonely? None of that petty shit I had been thinking about really mattered now... she was gone forever... and I have to deal with the fact I wasn't there for her. I should of been there for her....

This feeling is whats been haunting me for the passed few months. As it is I try to push it out my mind any time it starts to linger, but I don't think I can just get rid of it. I am so ashamed of myself for it. I've felt shame before, but never like this. I feel pure anger at myself... at my selfishness in this matter. You always want to beleive that deep down when it really matters, you will do good, and do the right thing. I didn't, and now can't convince myself anymore that deep down I'm an okay individual... I'm not. I failed when it really mattered. Though Karma as it seems isn't without its sense of justice. As things stand now... I am sure I will know exactly how she felt on her deathbed, as it seems I'm fated to die in a very simualr fashion... alone. I'd like to feel sorry for myself for it, as I once used to, be as it is now, I feel that such a death is aptly deserved. If I could let someone die in such a way, feeling how I feel, and knowing what I know, then I can see how it most easily can, could, and probably will happen to me.. and you know what... I'd deserve it.

*laughs* ohh one more funny little tid bit to add to this story.. I was in manchester again recently, at the same place. My brother came with me. As it is (not supprisingly) I haven't spoken about this with him, or anyone. We were just chilling out in the computer room at this place, when he looked up, and on the wall was a picture of Shardia.. one taken before she got visibly ill and she was looking as bueatiful as ever..

Bro: 'Damn, who's that?'
Me: 'oh a girl I once knew called Shadia...'
Bro' Damn she's Peng! (Translation: Gorgeous)'
Me: 'Shes dead, she died of cancer...'
Bro:' Damn.. thats a shame... cancers a killer, shame someone should die so young'
Me: '.....'
Bro:'Did you know her? were you friends?'
Me:'I knew her.... we were...'

... and thusly ended the conversation. I couldn't bear to go into the story or to look at that picture any longer. On the picture was written 'Shardia' and the words 'Angel'... if that is true, and there is such a thing as angels, and she is one, I hope she can forgive me... as I'm not sure if I can forgive myself.

Shadia... I'm sorry.

current mood: sad

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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
9:02 pm - Update Time!
Yeah yeah. I know.... its been an age since I last updated this thing.
I could give any number of reasons for it. Laziness, not really having anything note worthy to write about or just plain tired of writing the same hum drum entries, that deal with the usual themes of nothingness that seem to be quite constant in my journal life.
To be honest nothings really changed for this one.... but I am really, really bored so thought what the hey. So onto whats been happening in my life. A big naff all really. Nothing to report on the house front... oh accept I got a new form to fill in to send off.... but still the event of actually leaving this place seems to be quite far off in the distance. Not really been out anywhere either. Going out requires money, which I have a distinct lack of right about now, mainly due to the wheelchair problems I've had lately. Lets just say all in all thats robbed me of close to £400. I have insurance, but like car insurance it only effects accidents, not wear and tear, or anything of that sort... I know car owners reading this will feel my pain, but still. If ones car gets put out of commision for a while, its nothing more than a rather big inconvience... my wheelchair however is pratically raping me of any independance without it. Leaving it til I had the money to spare is really not an option. It needs to be paid and fixed immediately. So due to that fact I'm skint. Gah disability. I fucking hate it..... well lately anyway.
Okay so now we've establish the fact I'm broke, we can probably see why I'm so bored. have no money to do anything, or even buy anything. Usually when I'm bored like this I go out, or buy a new toy or computer game or something, just to keep my mind occupied... ya know give me something to do. Well can't do that, got no ends. So thats left me just trying to fill my days or should I say nights now (back to vampire mode) with anything I can think of that will give me something to occupy my time. I'm sooo running out of ideas now though.... hence probably why I'm writing in here. Its the only thing I haven't done in a while thats a brake from the normal routine.
However one good thing maybe coming up in the very near future. I'm off to Manchester again on Thursday for a 5 day stay. Will most definatly brake the monotemy of my recent life. However russling up some cash to try enhance my stay is also going to be a problem.... but fuck it, somebody (probably my mobile phone peoples) are just not getting paid this week.. They can wait. However my need fo a brief glimpse of enjoyment can not. Seriously, if it wasn't the fact I know I'm going away in a few days I'd probably go insane. I'm so tired of feeling so empty and down that I just need to have a few days of fun.... its something I haven't felt for such a long time now. Ya know fun and really honest to god happiness. I'm really tired of feeling so down, but like I said, theres not really much I can do about that lately.
Then theres the dreaded lonliness.... Yes yes I know, I mention this a lot. But it really is a terrible feeling to have constantly plague you, and boy its been kicking my ass a lot lately. So much so in one of my weaker moments a couple weeks ago I actually signed up on one of those dating websites *cringe*. I know I know. I feel so well... ashamed to be honest. I never thought (and this may sound big headed) I'd be the kind of person who needed to do that... but alas it seems to have come to pass. To be honest I did sign onto it when i was feeling rather down, and now I just see it as a rather big joke, and don't expect anything to come from it, but still its a bit of a kick in the ass when a joke thats been active for a whole month more or less still hasn't fished no interest :( *sob*. Even those women unfortunate to be a lonely as me don't want nothing to do with me :(. oh well... its just making a rather bitter pill easier and easier to swallow. The whole wife, kids, family thing more than likely is not going to happen for me in this lifetime.... and while its a devasting thing to except... I think I'm getting there. Its not really suprising though... I have nothing to offer anyone right now. No stability, No finacial motivation, and a rather uncertain future.... not exactly catch of the day material. The only thing I really have to offer is.. well love. as romantic a notion as that is, lets face it, theres billions of people on this planet, with nearly all of them able to offer exactly the same with all the desirable extra's and far less bagage. So yeap.. My mind is pretty much getting round this and sort of excepts it... it at least understands it... However as always the problem lies somewhat south of my head. The heart (as it generally always is with me)
is the problem. It doesn't understand and still fluters with hope, and feels the rather uncomfortable sting of going uinforfilled for so long... but what can ya do. I'm hoping it will give up the fight and just die on this subject. It will take the sting off the way I'm feeling if the damn thing would just stop pining for something that seems to be unobtainable for me (or at least near impossible to attain).
It's also making me feel bad on a different note (but somewhat related). Lately I've been feeling a jealousy I've never felt before.... and it bothers me greatly. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I've been spending a lot of time with my family lately... well to be more specific My brothers family, and even my big sisters family. They've been coming round here a lot more lately. Now don't get me wrong. I love them to bits. My brother finally has got his life sorted. He's no longer doing the dodgy shit he used to mess around with. he's working. Learning a trade (plumbing). His life pretty much seems happy and getting on track. While I am generally extatically happy for him (as finally he is achieving what I always wanted for him).... lately I can't help but feel a little jealous. He has everything, that I am coming to realise I have always wanted and am starting to realise will probably never have. He has the most beautiful loving (though very cheeky ;) ) little daughter. A girlfriend (who I'm pretty sure will becoming wife one day despite all there ups and downs) who obviously loves him, a place to live of his own, and a somewhat bright (if he sticks to the plan he's laid out for himself) future ahead of him. Its funny. Its so strange having these conflicting emotions. If youv'e read any of my previous entries regarding my brother, you will surely all know how much he means to me... and to feel this way because he's doing well for himself sickens me to my stomach... I shouldn't feel this way. I've never ever been jealous of him before. Even when we were younger and I realised he could do a lot I couldn't just due to the fact he could walk and I couldn't. Okay maybe thats a fib, there were times I felt a little jealous. Not being able to play football, or dance with my family members the way he does, or even do Karate like I'd of wanted. That however was always a minor feeling, and so fleeting its hardly worth mentioning.... This feeling of jealousy is somewhat more intense though and lingering, where as the young feelings were a flash in the pan, and never lasted at all past a second or two. Its not malichious, and god forbid it ever will be, but it is making me not want to spend so much time round them. Not my brother on his own. That I can handle quite well. The times however that are a problem are the family meetings. The times were hes there with his daughter in his arms doing the most cute father and daughter things while his girlfrineds looks on contented. its such a shitty feeling to. As I'll be there watching and genuinly smiling inside and on the outside at whats happening. I'll be genuinally happy for him and contented for him and feel so good about all that is his life, and then the realisation that I'll never have any of that hits me, and it stings real hard. its like being on top of the world then falling from that height without a parachute. Then theres the kick in the stomach that comes from realising your jealous of someone and something you love, and love to see happening around you, but at the same time feel this way as well.
*sigh* I don't know what to do about it. As it is, I try to shrug it off and ignore it, but it keeps coming back. I hate myself for it, I really do, but I just don't know what I can do to stop feeling this way. What a shitty Big bro I'm turning out to be. Jealousy, always a problem for me one way or another so it would seem.

I can't help but wonder how different my life could of been if I'd of just been a little luckier in my gene appointement on conception. One gene, one good gene is all I needed just one. My mother had the sma gene, and my father had it too. They both however both had the pairing normal gene, so were fine. All I needed was one of them to give me one of there good genes and all of this could of been avoided... As it turns out I got both the Sma genes... lucky me. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself.... another thing I hate doing, and while I know there are plenty people worse off than me, and plenty of shitty things happening in the world, and I'm not all that bad in the grand scheme of things, no daily pain or anything like that, or any of the other million nicey nicey reasons I force myself to realise daily that my life could be worse.... not one of them is helping right now... :( I feel utterly miserable, and fully intend to wallow in it.... Tonight at least anyway.

current mood: Miserable

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Monday, February 14th, 2005
8:43 pm - No Long speech....
... just wanted to say that Valentines Day = the Suxxors!


current mood: depressed

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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
5:00 am - hhmmmm....
... Okay not much to report on the going out front. Had a decent night all in all. Didn't get too drunk, got a little tipsy, and had a bit of a dance.

I did however come home solo yet again. *sigh* You know I'm getting mighty fed up of doing that.

but never mind thats just the 'tired of being single' me talking.

I'mma go try entertain myself for a little while. All those Vodka and Redbulls have made sleeping anytime soon not really an option.

See y'all later.

current mood: Tipsy

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Saturday, January 29th, 2005
6:36 pm - So I'm a year older....
..... 24 who'd of thought it, and I do mean literally. When I was 16 I never thought I'd still be breathing at this age. Of cause I had no reason not to... just the fact that alot of my friends with simular conditions were all dropping like fly's around me... then again I've always been somewhat stronger than most of them... but still I really didn't beleive for one minute I'd make it. Thankfully I have. Now I'm here I see my younger me had nothing to worry about.. and probably won't for a good few years yet :).

So As with most days lately I've spent my day in bed sleeping. Yup I'm still on my vampire mode. It is good however as I do plan on going out tonight and having a little... or rather big birthday drink. At least I won't be tired :).... Still I have a knawing feeling in the back of my mind. I feel rather hazy right now.. not happy (as I should be) but not bad either... but this feeling thats tugging on the back of my mind feels so famiular. Hopefully I'll end up plunging into drink and a false happiness before the familuar feeling catches upto me.

Well here's hoping I have a good night. Right now I'm off to get changed. Just thought I better add a little birthday note before I go out. I mean even though it may feel like any other day (cept with cards and such), it is after all the day of my birth, I should acknowledge that know?

Bye bye for now.
Who knows may end up with another drunken ramble upon my return.

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
1:14 am - Uck....
Never again.... Never, never never again will I touch the Demon brew. Boy did I pay for all that fun I had last night this Morning... Thankfully though, a couple hours in bed and a Christmas Dinner later I'm actually not feeling to bad at all... Ok a little queasy in the stomach but its liveable. I can't lie and say reading my own diatribe didn't also help add to that... Why is it drunken people feel they need to unload things that they probably should keep tight lipped about... especially when there hold on the english language is at its worst... Still saying that.. I'm not gonna take it back... I said it, and wether I would or should of is irrelevant. They say that drink brings truth... well I guess it does in a slurred worded kinda way. I stand by my last nights statements... although some what sheepishly. I do beleive my computer should get a drunken state firewall though... you know have some kind of challenge that you couldn't possibly do drunk.... oh well.

Christmas day, well the parts I've managed to stay concious for has been good. Presents as always now I'm older were nothing to get extatically happy about but still nice none the less. Jim-Jam's, Socks, smellies... You know the usual afair. To be honest though I probably needed them anyway :). I buy myself all year round what I want anyway, and usually not the common sense sensible things... Usually the boy's toys... so Christmas is a good opportunity for me to top up on all the regular stuff I should probably buy :).

It's been a nice day... Hangovers aside.
I hope you all have also had excellent Days.

Toodles for now.

Disclaimer: while I do frevelent beleive I'll never want another alcoholic drink as long as I live... I also know I'm a ficile weak individual. My promises of never straying to the Demon's brew should be taken with a pinch of salt.... In other word's It's more than likely.. Bullshit!

current mood: cheerful

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Saturday, December 25th, 2004
4:14 am - Merry Christmas.... everyone!
I just wanted to wish all of you who may read my journal still, a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.

Now thats out of the way I just want to cover my ass for anything foolish I may write from this point on in my Journal. I'm drunk... okay drunk's probably an understatement,I'm absolutely bladded. I've been playing cards for shot's all evening with my brother and sister.... but still. It actually feels good. White Rum and sambucca shot's oi oi oi. I'm not lying I've probably polished off most a bottle of white rum by myself... doing so... but still it's all good, no point spending christmas in my usual isolative self, I do that all year. time to break the mold, if only for a day or two, feel the christmas spirit, even if a lot of it is in liquid form :-p.

So before I sober up... here comes the things I've probably wanted to say all year, but my sober, solem, prideful usual self wouldn't let me say.

First off a big I love you too all my Family. This is something I just don't say all year round. I've never been one to tell my family how much they mean to me. so let me say it now. I don't say it often enough but doesn't mean I don't feel it. I love you all! Mum and Dad I don't understand you, or your troubles, but i love you both still, and Robert and Lorna, well nothing really needs to be said, I love you both more than you could know. Robert, well your my bro, and no matter what I know regardless despite whatever we say about each other, if push came to shove, you would be there for me flying if shit got deep, just like i would be for you. Your my bro man! And Lorna, well i know you feel left out sometimes. Like me an Robert, just cause were Bro's, like each other more or some shit.... well little girl (okay lady now), I can't deny me and rob been through some shit, and that nigga wether he know's it or not has my heart.... doesn't mean I have less love for you. Your my little baby girl, and although, I cant deny... like a lot of things, I maybe not have done right by you, older brotherly wise... I just need you too know.. I love you, undeniably. Though me and Robert may seem to Gel better ( a boy thing), you still have my heart. I love you girl, more than you could possibly know.

Okay Mum, you may never ever read this... hell you don't even know it exisist's but still... you gave me life, and even regardless of that fact... even though I don't understand you, or where your head or choices are right now.... I love you most of all, even though I sometimes try deny it.I don't get your choices. I don't agree with them either.... but still you my Mum, I can't help but love you... and if I was dying right this minute if there was only one person I could speak too it would be you, just so I could feel safe in your arms and you could hold me and tell me it would be okay... you would be the last person on this earth I would want to spend my last moments with.

Dad, what can i say. I've told you before how much I respect you. You may not be my biological Dad, but youv'e put up with a whole heap of unnecessary shit in your life time just to be there for me. Youv'e done things many a lesser man wouldn't dream of doing, and because of that I love you. I don't say it. Hell sometimes i don't even show it. But out of everyone I know... even though sometimes, you irritate me, I would never or at least hopefully never try not to show it. I love you too, although like with eveyone else I would never say it or show it.... but like everyone else it is definatly there.

Okay now on too people not family related but still there's much I wish to get off my chest and wish to say it before I stop myself, with my useless pride....

First and foremost Ami... You may be suprised to see your name here... but still I feel I need to say this. Wether it means anything too you right now I am so sorry. I said and did some terrible things to you once upon a time. You were a really good friend to me, and I'm really sorry how I treated you. All i can say in my defence is, I was at a real shitty place at that time... family situation and all,the rest wasn't great but still... i leant on you too hard, when I shouldn't have. I wanted more from you than I should of even reasonably tried too ask. And for that I'm sorry. My only concealation is that now I can see that your happy. In a place where you should of always been. And for that I'm glad. You deserve it. Luv you girl, and even if you never feel you can take it or not, my ear and shoulder is always there for you if you were to ever need it.

Last but most definatly not least is you Dee. Yes the girl I all promised you I would never speak of again in my Journal. So what I lied. Sue me. Even if I don't reply too it, even if my manly stupid pride won't let me, when I wake in the morning I ask one big, big favour of you.... Please, please, please, could you send me an e-mail. At least letting me know your okay. I can't stunt. I'm worried about you. I don't see you online. You don't post your journal no more. I can't help but wonder if your okay. Wether or not me and you should of ever been is irrelavant. Maybe you needed someone at that time in your life... maybe I did... who knows. Mater of fact who cares. Whats done is done. Whats said is said. All I know is... After all this time, I still care about you. Don't get it twisted. I know we probably could never of been, or even shouldn't of been... that doesn't change the fact. I'm worried about you, I want to know your okay. I want too know wether it be in another mans arms or not your okay. I just want to know you are happy. I want to know your dreams are being forfilled even if not by me. Baby girl despite what I may make myself feel when pride is fucking with me... I know one thing.... without a shadow of a doubt... the closest I have been to happy in this lifetime is the time I spent being in love with you. Please don't let this statement throw you or anything like that. I don't want you too contact me, in the future just because you feel that because of what I said you should contact me or even anything like that. I just want you too know, that despite what I say too the contarary... I just want to know your okay. That is all no more... No less.

Okay that is all. My sins.... for better or worse are purged.... what I truely feel... is out in the open... Yes, I'm a little tipsy. I won't lie to you and pretend I'm not.... but truth is, wether or not i'd plainly admit.... these are things and thoughts I've been wanting to say for a long time now... but been to chicken shit too admit it. I'm not brave... Infact I'm dam near probably the biggest coward you'll ever meet. But I wont lie. I've read all this twice. Hell, 3 or 4 times. and all this is things I've felt, thought, or wanted to at some point say. I've just been to afraid, to stupid... or at sometimes too proud too say it. Right now I don't feel I want to guard myself so heavily. We only live once, and for once I want to say what I truely feel. No masks... no pride... and no second guessing... just free form writing... from the heart... as it should be.... always.

Love Wayne.

P.S: Theres one other person I want to speak to here, that I haven't thus far, and thats you Tamara. (sorry if I spelled it wrong, but you know, or at least i hope, you know who you are.) If theres ever a person on this planet I'd most wish to meet, its you. Youv'e been there for me even when I haven't always been there for you. You couldn't possibly know how much I care and respect you... Admittedly thats because I don't show it how I should... but still. If I had all the money in the world,and could afford such luxury's you would still be the only person on this whole globe I would come pester.... and not really care about the consequences for my actions. I love you, in a way you could not possibly understand. I love you almost like a sister. You stuck up for me, or at least my cause.. (SMA).. Even though we'd never meet. When you didn't need too. If there's anyone on this planet I feel I could turn too... without being judge it would be you. The fact is Hun, I've never said it. I've never shown it.... but you mean the world too me... just for being who you are... and for that I'm grateful. *mwauah*. If I never say it again... I luv you, my baby girl from down under. I hope all your dreams... comes true.

Anyway... I'mma go now.... before I do though... I just want you all to know one thing... I said all this only because all my safe guards have been taken away tonight. Does it mean I mean it any less... hell no... This is probably the most honest I've been in a while. I struggle hard to keep my safe guards up.. Tonight I don't want too, or care too. I for once just want to say how I feel. If i were too die tomoorrow. ( I won't by the way). I just want to for once say what I feel....

Good night all!

Love you
And Merry Christmas!

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Sunday, November 28th, 2004
1:31 pm - Why? Whats wrong?!
A question that deserves an answer. What exactly was wrong with me last night. The same thing thats been wrong with me for such a long time now. It frequently inhabits many of my journal entries of late, just last night it was extremely potent. I am/was just feeling very depressed. My life just got the better of my is all, or to be more precise my lack there of a normal life.

The durgery of waking day in day out and doing absolutly nothing of any relavance finally took it's toll. The realisation of every dream I've ever had about my exsistance not coming to pass, and not seemingly highly likely that any of them will. I just lost all hope, and at the same time the power to keep my illusion of being okay with it all at the same time. My life at this moment really is something I do not like, and honestly just don't have the energy to change it. I don't mean that symbolic even, I mean I literal don't have the energy. These day's I feel tired and weak all the time. Oh I know it's probably just the next phase of my disability and I'll adapt again eventually... I'm by no means in dire straights here, I'm just weaker than I once was and can feel the change this time quite fiercely. My body feels at odd's with itself, I don't particulally feel pained, but I ache. Both physically and mentally.

While it's true I am trying to get out of this rut with the whole moving out thing.. the reality of the situation is it's not going to happen for at least another 12 month's, and thats if everything was to go absolutely perfectly right.... and chances are it could take quite a bit longer than that. I just don't think I can handle living and feeling like this for that long. I will no doubt... but its just such a shitty thought. I geniunely hate my life right now. I wake, lose my self in some virtual reality world all day, or a book, just for something to occupy my time. I don't even really enjoy it anymore.. then once more I sleep, and the cycle reset's and repeats. Hell some day's I don't even talk to anyone. I'm living a lonely quite pityful exsistance right now... and it's been one I've been living for far too long now. It just all got a bit much for me to bear last night...

... but once again, I've slept and re woken and things once more don't feel quite as bad today, I'm 'ok with it' once more... for now.. until the next time.

Thankyou for your concern... but I'll be fine. I always am...

current mood: indifferent

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12:52 am - *sigh*....
Do you ever feel like you could just blink out of exsistance and you wouldn't be missed. Like the night could just envelope you and take you away, and no one would shed a tear... or give your passing a second thought...
That's how I find myself feeling right now.... So Night, God, or some other inhabitant of the dark.. feel free to take me now... I'll put up no resistance.... as right this moment I really don't care.

current mood: Empty

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Friday, November 26th, 2004
9:12 pm - Pissed the *bleep* off!
I'm annoyed. positively raging. At internet fraudsters, but mainly at myself. I got duped. yes I've been caught by some rather clever internet fraud scam. I am sure you all know of PayPal. The money transaction service used for a lot of e-bay payments etc. Well I have an account with them, and this morning seemingly got an email from them asking me to update my account as my credit card had expired (which it has).

Now I've been on the internet forever and am not usually taken a mis by fake ass e-mails, but this one realy did seem geniune. The return email address, the layout, the format everything looked just like other e-mails I've had from PayPal. To add insult to injury they even had the link in the e-mail linking to paypal's geniune security help page embedded in the e-mail. Well it fooled me anyway's, hook line and sinker, and I'm not easily fooled. So I click the provided link and go about entering my details. Even the fake detials site look geniue. Exactly like PayPal's. I had no clue that this wasn't them... well right up until I had hit submit, giving them all my details, then a following page coming up asking for my ATM number. Now I've been an online shopper forever. No company ever needs an ATM number for online transactions. I quickly hit close, but it was too late a lot of damage was done. Still hoping I was wrong I went to the real PayPal site and forward the e-mail to there department for such things to get it checked. Turns out they confirmed my fears. I've been Internet Jacked! :MAD:

So I've just had to phone up my bank and explain the situation, get my account froze and a new card re ordered. grrrrrr. I feel so damn stupid. I should of realised sooner. Surely there must of been other warning signs... or maybe there wasn't I can't quite remeber now. Like I said I've never been fooled by these kinds of e-mails before, but this one look so professional... I mean it didn't nearly look like Paypal's stuff, it looked identical, and with the links to there help, and security pages and stuff... gahhh I'm pissed... and dam mad at myself. I feel like such an idiot. Well maybe its for the best, I've become too complacent with this internet lark. I need to pay extra special attention in future.

P.S: To all y'all out there, please please please, becareful with e-mails like this.... as I've plainly seen today some of these fraudster's are dam good at making you beleive your giving information to the right people. Ohh and if any of you get any pay pal e-mails asking for you to confrim your shit.... check that shit with a fine tooth comb. Infact don't click the link at all.. go straight to your usual Pay pal site or better yet hit up ebay and follow there link to Paypal, and do the updating/verifying from the source, like I should of bloody done... You live and learn I guess.

current mood: angry

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Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
5:18 am - *steals*
Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates afive
your best quality ispeople love to be around you
your worst quality iseverything about you
this is becauseyou were born this way
Quiz created with MemeGen!

lol.... wait while I'd like to laugh at it, funny thing is... I'm sure quite a few people who know me/knew me would agree with it.

current mood: indifferent

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Sunday, November 7th, 2004
7:11 pm - What most possibly was the best entry in the world ... Eva!
Yes, I did pen (okay typed), what most possibly could of been the best LJ entry in the world ever. It was full of drama, intrigue, Love, Betrayal and all those other good things. Was the perfect length, not too long, not too short.... and had just the right spice to appeal to everyones pallet. Even had a cliff hanger ending that made you want more, but kept you satisfied also...

... unfortunatly due to circumstances out of my control it has been banished into oblivion by a sudden and freak power outage (grrrrrr). It now only exisist in my mind as a fading memory (plays the violin). Now I could try recreate it, but I just know I would never do the original justice, Infact I doubt I will ever fashion another journal entry quite like it in my entire life, so I'm not even going to try.... Instead, heres a bullet point version of my last entry, as I so can not be bothered to type it all out again.

* Went to a nice family Bonfire Friday night at my Mothers Work

* All the immediate family, including my Big sister, and her Daughters, as Well as my Brother and his daughter was there.

* All the Family Except my Dad was there. Mum said she didn't want him there, which I thought was rather mean... but can kind of understand why she may say it... even though I still don't agree with it.

* Had fun, didn't like the cold, but fell in love with the hypnotic flames of the fire.

* Resolute to try go to another one next year as I've opted out of Bonfire night Celebrations for the past 7 years.

* Spoke about whats been going on in my life lately.

* Moving out on my own, has taken many steps for the good. New Social worker, a lot more support, more information on all front's and now am feeling very confident about the whole thing happening within the next year..... hopefully

* Spoke about my last Trip to Manchester, as well as my first ever attempt at going fishing! Was fun!

* Spoke about my slowly breaking out of my solitude lifestyle... okay nothing major, but at least I'm not so resolute on not speaking to people.

* Spoke about me making a new friend online, but also how it seems the friendship may not have endured honesty.

* Spoke about how I meet another Young lady in Manchester who most liekly I could form some kind of relationship with, but I won't as I feel she's probably too young for me (18), a friend of mine likes her, and technically knew her first (being honourable an all), and well to be honest I still don't think I want to risk it again yet.

* Spoke about many other little occurances that have happened but none of which that are overly important. Mainly wheelchair problems, christmas shopping issues and the likes.

... and that was mainly it.... I think.

I promise though I will try keep this more upto date infuture. I know I keep saying it, but surely if I keep saying it one day I'll actually do it. Then again, I'm not entirely sure if anyone reads it anymore anyway lol, which beg's the question, who the heck I'm doing it for in the first place.... myself, or my imagined public? lol... abit of both probably. I do it for myself to keep a record surely, and to vent of course.... but I think I like also having people read it *shrugs* oh well :).

Toodles for now *waves*

current mood: silly

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Thursday, November 4th, 2004
1:45 am - Bah...
Now I know it's not my Country so my opnion really doesn't mean shit.... oh wait, what America does seem to effect the whole world, especially with us being America's Allies an all. Now before anyone say's anything, I don't mind that. I actually love American people.... well most of them. I just can't stand there current and now re-elected administration. I really really was routing for Kerry... Not sure how much better he could of done but I do honestly beleive he would of been better than that fuck wit Dubya.

Honestly he is the most stupid world leader I've seen, and his Religious Rehteric just makes me want to puke most the time. Well I'll keep my fingers crossed that Bush doesn't manage to do anything else monumentally stupid in the next four years... I'm not that hopefully though.

At least one thing goods come from this for me personally. It's give me a deeper conviction in taking politics that bit more seriously. I mean I've had the ability to vote in my own country for...erm 6 years (nearly) now, and I've voted twice, and not really been too bothered about who I've voted for. You best beleive from now on I will be sure to take more of an interest just to make sure my own country never has a Prime Minister anything like Mr Bush. I doubt even with my intervention we ever would, I mean we don't have as many Redneck Moral Zealot's out here, but still I just need to make sure I do all I can...

I'm very dissappointed in you America :(....

P.S.. still much Love for you all though :)

Later... will actually try come back rite a proper update soon. Got a lot to add if I can remeber it all :)
Toodles for now.

current mood: disappointed

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Friday, September 24th, 2004
4:29 am - Gah!......
Okay it's 4:30 in the AM. Bored, not even remotely tired and extremely horny... what's a guy to do.

Answer's on a postcard.... or a comment that could work too :).

current mood: horny

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Friday, September 10th, 2004
11:02 pm - Wheeewww! Long time no Write!
... Yeah I know its been like months now since I last updated. Reason's stem from Lazyness, the thought of having to type all thats gone on since my last update would just make me go bah! forget it, to well not being bored enough to just sit and pen/type my thoughts. Tonight though I just got into a groove listening to music and sipping some Sambucca and just thought I probably should get something down.

I'm probably not going to go into great detail but who know's once I start rambling it's sometimes hard to stop. So let me try think now where to beginning.... July really didn't alter much from my last Journal entries. Was mainly reading in the Sun when it was out... until I got my new PC that is. Then for some reason I spent a lot of time messing about with that. One to play all my old games on its powerful glory... and two well it was my first ever attempt at setting up a network, as my Sister now has my old PC and wished to share my net connection. Boy that was no fun networking. It's not hard persay, just doesn't help when it's your first time doing it and the hardware you get isn't that straight forward. Being me I thought oww let's go wireless. I hate cables at the best of times plus it all seemed to be easy and straight forward. so I got two internal (PCI), wireless networking adaptors. Now all was fine in my New PC. The card installed and was functioning as supposed to. The problem however arouse in my beloved old PC. It just didn't like the PCi adaptor at all. Any time I'd try get it to send me a file or whatever from it, The PC would freeze up (old one). Getting niffed I came to the conclusion that the PCI slots in my old PC couldn't hack the new technology so I decided to drop that adaptor and buy that computer a USB wireless plugin instead. This worked wonders :) for her PC at least... as now my internal card was having trouble connect with it steadily *sigh* so after messing with that for about 2 weeks I just said fuck it and bought another USB plugin in for my computer which was so much easier. Hooking up the two of them is a breeze compared to the PCI cards. Simple as hell and works great. I just wished I'd of gone both USB from step one. Would of saved me plenty time and money but alas I'll know in future. (FYI anyone thinking of going wireless... seriously try the USB adaptors.. simple and thus far have give me zero problems at all).

So now there's two Felix's with net access tearing up cyberspace :) Though not sure if that's such a good thing. Gotta be more careful now with what I do. Who know's little sis could be monitoring me O_o. She also got herself an LJ, and wanted a me to add her to my buddy list which inturn means she has acssess to m Journal... now I'm unsure about this as my Journal's pretty much been my private domain away from anyone in my family. It's just my thoughts and my feelings, two things I don't open up with well... or at all to be honest in real life. So I have three options. Start making private journal entries.... which would defeat the whole perpose of me keeping this thing in the first place, two censor my entries.... which is also something I;d rather not do... or just write as I have been doin and continue as usual not caring if she reads what I write or not. I've decided to do the latter. To be honest we get on well enough. If I'm going to share my thoughts whith virtually strangers may as well share them with her too. Besides, I'm sure she knows me well enough to know that what evers on here is on here for a reason. Chances I'm going to want to talk about anything I type will always be slim. I don't do talking about feelings... well mine anyway... well at all. We'll see what happens I guess :)

What else... hmmm.... Well even though I've been pretty active on my computer lately. I've shunned Internet communication altogether. No MSN, AIM, Yahoo or any of the other gazillion messenger services out there. Reason? well to be honest I just haven't felt like talking to people. It's a damn shame as theres people out there I'd love to speak with, I just know I have nothing to say thats of any interest what so ever. And I absolutely hate that feeling. Trying to force conversation, for the sake of it. To be honest I know I've been in a very Isolative mood. I've wanted to be alone. I haven't wanted to conversate.. even when I've felt lonely. It's strange. A hard feeling to explain. Then again I've been getting a lot of strange hard to explain feelings lately.

I guess the easiest of them to explain actually though is the lonely one. aye aye aye. That one's a bitch. I been feeling it quite bitterly lately... yet still I've not wanted to be around or talk to people.. how's that work? You feel desperately lonely? yet the thought of talking to or being around people depresses you further? doesn't make sense to me... yet that's how I've felt. I know I don't have to be alone or feel lonely. I know I could phone people, talk to them. I know if I didn't feel like doing that, I could sign on to anyone of those upteen messengers and find someone to talk to. Hell failing that I have loads of messageboards I visit that I could go to and spark up conversation.... or if the fancy took my I'm sure I could log into any chatroom and find me someone to flirt with, chat and/or charm... it's easy enough to do... hell I used to do it flying and enjoy it... but damn for some reason the thought of doing any of those things just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, and I don't know why. I'd prefer to be alone than deal with people for some reason.. despite how bad this feeling of lonliness gets. Yeeesssh! What's a guy to do when his worst enemy is himself?

Saying that though. I had a week of activity a week or two back. I went to the cinema's with my Sister and her boyfriend twice in three day's... woohooo! Lol, it's the first time in a few week's I'd been out though. I don't know what happened to me, but the thought of coming back home to this house and crawling back into my shell of solitude just was something I couldn't bare on the last trip out. So after the cinema's I decided to just go for it... and I went out to a club on my own. Now for me this is very unsual behaviour. I don't go out solo period. The thought of being that single lonely guy in a club is just something I'd never want to experience. But the thought of going home that day seemed just as dire so I just went for it. Got some money and decided to see where the night takes me. I've never done anything like that before... on my own anyway. To be honest I wasn't sure if I could do it... and I think that was half the excitement. I had been keeping myself prisoner in my house telling myself that I had no one to go out with so I couldn't go out. I wanted to test that theory and see if I really did need anyone to go out with. The answer I found is not suprisingly... no i don't. I don't need anyone to go out with. I'm more than capable of sorting myself out more or less. The fear of being the boring single guy in the club isn't really a reality with me either. While it's true I haven't been out a lot lately anytime I do go out I see about 15 people I know regardless who are always happy to see me, so I'm never alone for long... and failing that I'm good at meeting people, always have been. I actually had quite a good night. I went out alone, and alas (unfortunatly) went home alone also.... but inbetween I meet people, laughed, drank and was Jolly. So my illusion of being a prisoner in my own mundane life was shattered. It was fiction, and I knew it was. I'm not a prisoner of circumstance.. I'm my own jailer. I don't not go out cause I can't. I don't go out as I choose not too!

So here we are.. back at square one, even after my flurry into the land of the living. I can go out, I can meet people... I can brake away from being Lonely... yet I won't.... I'll choose to stay lonely.. even though slowly but surely it's killing me... or at least the person I was. I don't mean to sound dramatic.. but its true. I feel it inside. I'm dying a death... and not of the physical kind... I mean my soul. It's dead... or dying. all that I like about myself is fading, all that I've felt is good that is within me is fleeting and fading into nothing. I'm becoming a ghost of myself.. a wraith.. and I'm allowing it to happen. why?!?!?

... I guess causes there's a Solomn kind of comfort in Sorrow and lonliness. It becomes a familuar friend.. one I guess I'm not ready to part company with just yet... despite the self destructive side effects it brings.

This all sounds very dire... and in a way I guess it is... but apart from all this... I feel fine or at least I think I do. the truth is I feel very little... I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad... I feel nothing.. except lonly on occasion.... and you know what... right now I'm cool with it. it suck's.. but it's okay, for now.


current mood: Empty

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