Wayne D Felix (wayan) wrote,
Wayne D Felix

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Why? Whats wrong?!

A question that deserves an answer. What exactly was wrong with me last night. The same thing thats been wrong with me for such a long time now. It frequently inhabits many of my journal entries of late, just last night it was extremely potent. I am/was just feeling very depressed. My life just got the better of my is all, or to be more precise my lack there of a normal life.

The durgery of waking day in day out and doing absolutly nothing of any relavance finally took it's toll. The realisation of every dream I've ever had about my exsistance not coming to pass, and not seemingly highly likely that any of them will. I just lost all hope, and at the same time the power to keep my illusion of being okay with it all at the same time. My life at this moment really is something I do not like, and honestly just don't have the energy to change it. I don't mean that symbolic even, I mean I literal don't have the energy. These day's I feel tired and weak all the time. Oh I know it's probably just the next phase of my disability and I'll adapt again eventually... I'm by no means in dire straights here, I'm just weaker than I once was and can feel the change this time quite fiercely. My body feels at odd's with itself, I don't particulally feel pained, but I ache. Both physically and mentally.

While it's true I am trying to get out of this rut with the whole moving out thing.. the reality of the situation is it's not going to happen for at least another 12 month's, and thats if everything was to go absolutely perfectly right.... and chances are it could take quite a bit longer than that. I just don't think I can handle living and feeling like this for that long. I will no doubt... but its just such a shitty thought. I geniunely hate my life right now. I wake, lose my self in some virtual reality world all day, or a book, just for something to occupy my time. I don't even really enjoy it anymore.. then once more I sleep, and the cycle reset's and repeats. Hell some day's I don't even talk to anyone. I'm living a lonely quite pityful exsistance right now... and it's been one I've been living for far too long now. It just all got a bit much for me to bear last night...

... but once again, I've slept and re woken and things once more don't feel quite as bad today, I'm 'ok with it' once more... for now.. until the next time.

Thankyou for your concern... but I'll be fine. I always am...
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I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that you feel this way. Everyone feels shitty about something, but you got some legitimate reasons to feel bad, so don't beat yourself up over it. That is something that someone had to tell me once and i thought i should tell you because it really made me feel better to know that someone, in a way, also authenticated my experiences and that "depression" isn't always "arbitrary" as some doctors (and shrinks) act like it is. You just need to try, at every opportunity to do things that bring you experiences. Don't get into a rut of never ever leaving your house. It disconnects you from society.
I hope you will fell better soon. Write more frequently on here. It occupies empty time and it is a form of socializing, in a way.
I feel the same. I spend most of my day playing on neopets.com or reading books about writing (like I'm ever going to actually write). Interacting with real people takes to much effort.